12 Oct 2015

Ensuring Healthy and Happy Relationships

Camiguin: The horizon

Relationships are supposed to be the best thing that happens to us in this earthly life.  Finding a soulmate that shares our path, gives us love, and appreciates our love, a shoulder to cry on, a rock to lean on, that makes us stronger, and fulfilled is truly a gift.

However, relationships can so often, and tragically, turn into alienating experiences and re-shape our life, and perspective, and our sense of self-worth in the most destructive ways.

There are, however, a few things we can do to check that our relationships turn out to be better than we could ever have dreamt, instead of into our worse nightmare

First, and foremost, a good relationship goes far beyond attraction, and it is necessary to actually LIKE the person as well. NEVER have to excuse their behaviour or accepting blame for their failure to return our love appropriately, or for their inability to behave in a loving and considerate manner.

A good relationship is based on frank and open exchange of opinions, and being prevented from doing so is always a resounding alarm bell.   This can cause us to become stuck into a relationship for fear, instead of love.  It is better to be alone, than to be in an abusive and threatening situation.  After all, being alone means having the choice of someone else.

Being ALLOWED to be with friends and family is also essential.  Although a couple is meant to be together, it is also composed of two individual, each with their own lives, wants, and needs, which include one's own family and friends, if so desired by the individual.  While constructive criticism of our life choices can be productive, there is a difference when someone is constantly critical of your nearest and dearest, and of our life choices. 

Lastly LISTEN if your friends and family don't like them. It could be that they don't want you to spend all your time away from them, in which case you are perfectly within your right to ignore their opinion.  However, they might also be expressing their concern at how you are being treated, in which case it is definitely in your interest to heed their advice.

Be aware of how a Manipulator/Abuser operates. They will choose an insecure person who is so grateful for the attention that they will hang on their every word. To start with they will be wonderful to be with making the victim feel so protected, making all the decisions:-

What they should wear, ordering for them in restaurants, what the victim should cook and at what time.

However, the risk is that they will, gradually, isolate the victim from their nearest and dearest, or stop them from pursuing their interests, saying that they only need each other. The Manipulator doesn't want anyone around to give support to the victim, or to have their own outlet, after all their hard work to brainwash them. 

If that happens, the victim will grow eventually to think that they are deeply loved and anything done or said is for their own good.  This is when acceptance of abuse becomes entrenched, and at its most difficult to escape.  The victim will also be made to believe that nobody would want them. 

Love is about freedom, understanding, exchanges of bodies, minds, souls, and emotions, in which both partners are equally strong, and equally vulnerable.  Anything else is not worth pursuing.

If any of the above is familiar to you please realise THAT NOBODY WHO REALLY LOVED YOU WOULD EVER TREAT YOU LIKE THIS.

Don't be afraid to be alone, do not question your worth.  Allow someone else in your life who will love you, accept you, and make you stronger than you ever imagined you could be.